Letters I'd Like to Send...

Dear Television Networks,
How could you? You sadistically decided to run American Idol three minutes past the hour, when you knew darned well our DVR only recorded 90 minutes!! I can imagine the sick thrill you must have experienced, anticipating the collective gasp in our living room when Ryan announced, "And this year's American Idol is...." and the playback stopped (dramatically) robbing us of appropriate closure. That's just mean.

Dear Mother Bear,

I know we built this neighborhood in your stomping grounds, so I understand that you and your cub feel like you belong here. I just want to say thanks for not killing anybody or causing too much damage. And if it's not too much too ask, if you're through with them, we'd love to have those two bird feeders back that you "borrowed" last year, thanks.

Dear Alcoholism,
You suck. You have terrorized my family and Mr.4444's family for generations, but I have found a way to stop you; it's called education. It's called teaching healthy coping mechanisms and learning that a person can go through emotions without self-destructing. With any luck (and hard work), there will be no "elephants in the living rooms" of my children or grandchildren. The cycle is broken for us.

P.S. Please let go of Her. She is such a wonderful, loving, generous person, and you are killing her with that stranglehold you have around her throat. She doesn't deserve it. Haven't you done enough damage already?

Dear Child Abuse,
Long time no see. Happy to say I don't miss you, and that I feel blessed to have survived you. I have kicked your ass, and you will never hurt me again. You are not welcome in my house, so don't even bother. My children have never met you, and I'm happy to say they never will. Go to hell.

Dear Dents on My Car,
It's been about 6 weeks now, and I'm very disappointed that you have not taken the initiative to heal yourself. I do not have $1200 to fix you, thanks to your $3000 friend, Suburban Transmission, and it's embarrassing. Please try harder.

Dear Last Day of School,
It seems like just yesterday, I was buying new clothes, sharpening new pencils, and putting money in the lunch account! I'm beginning to feel a spring in my step and a lighter heart in anticipation of your arrival! See you soon... :)

Dear Love-Handles,
Just a quick note to tell you that your days are numbered. In 11.5 days, I will begin an aggressive attack on you. You'd be smart to just disappear and save yourself a lot of suffering. (This is your last chance; I'm warning you. I mean it this time. Get lost!)