Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Truth and Consequences

How good are you at taking responsibility for your actions? If you grew up being screamed at, belittled, or physically abused for even the smallest mistakes, maybe you learned that owning your actions was dangerous, to be avoided at all cost. You probably developed a lying habit (even when caught red-handed) or maybe you became a perfectionist to avoid any suggestion that you might be less than worthy.  As an adult, you've had to learn that taking ownership of your decisions, as well as your mistakes, is part of being a grownup.

Wait. You have learned to accept the consequence of your choices without beating yourself up, right?

If you haven't worked through that stuff, your first instinct when confronted about something today might be to deny, and it's definitely not comfortable; it can take you right back to being a kid.  It may seem simplistic, but I find it empowering to admit when I've screwed up; it's like I'm saying, "That's right; I made a mistake, and I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be bullied into a scary place over it. People make mistakes. I'll do better next time."

Living in the truth is just so much easier than trying to keep it covered up; at least that's my opinion.

Thoughts?

16 comments:

  1. As someone who has been a liar and who built a life protecting herself and her secrets with lies... and then discovered the true freedom of honesty... I agree with you completely. But it is definitely a hard thing to unlearn and it's very hard to believe that the scary feeling of honesty has such a great payoff.

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    1. Yes, it's always difficult to break bad habits. For me, therapy helped.

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  2. I went in the opposite direction. I learned very early that everything was my fault, so I was always apologetic and taking responsibility for stuff that wasn't my fault. I think I have a balance now. Sometimes, I fall back into old patterns, and I try to carry everyone's burdens. Secrets are powerful. Lies are powerful. I am always amazed that so many people, even older people, live in the shadow of lies and secrets.

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    1. Me,too; it's sad. Some people even take their secrets to the grave. I can't imagine.

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  3. I think that is what wrong with today's society. No one takes ownership of anything. It's always someone else's fault. However, I am the first one to admit I made a mistake. Sometimes too proudly!

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    1. I think people are afraid that they're giving something up when they accept responsibility, and unless they can be assured to get something back, they resist the truth.

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  4. I had a lying habit when I was younger...out right lying but also the pretending kind...pretending to be something I wasn't. Both types leave you with the paranoia of being found out. Thankfully, I have grown out of both of those and the freedom of truth is something I will not give up again. I would so much rather live with a truth that may not be pretty than live with an even uglier lie.

    This concept is #29 on my list of 45 Things I Know Right Now: "Own your mistakes. They lose their power when you embrace them."

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  5. As a child, when I lied I got the belt. If I told the truth, sometimes I got the belt and sometimes I didn't. I usually told the truth because I couldn't keep all the lies straight in my head.

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  6. Love this post Barb!!! So true and I agree with everything you said!!!

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  7. Thoughts - plenty - but first an edit correction (I think). You meant to write "... choices without beating yourself up...", not "with". Second I hope whatever mistake prompted this, all is fine.
    Mistakes - I have learned that making them is common, often expected, and can lead us to bigger and greater knowledge. I also know we tend to look for excuses. Excuses are not very helpful and they certainly don't remove responsibility. Many different types of mistakes and the "sorry" part if applicable is tougher to express than the ownership.

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  8. I don't know why, but Blogger suddenly isn't allowing me to reply to individual comments. oh well..

    I just wanted to add that I lied a lot when I was a kid, especially in middle and high school. Much of it was typical stuff (lying to go to a movie instead of where I said I was going, lying about much time I had been on the phone, etc.). However, I was also so uncomfortable with the intimacy of silence that I felt a need to fill every space with words,even if I had to make something up. I've often tried to remember a defining moment at which point I stopped being a liar, but I can't; I guess I just outgrew it.

    Bill, THANK YOU! I appreciate your pointing that out. And thanks, but nothing in particular stimulated this post; I have a clean conscience.haha

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    1. So now blogger doesn't want to play nice in your comment section? I wonder if your computer needs a new javascript update. I'm clicking on the "reply" for this.

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  9. Ownership, now there is a concept that seems lost today. Take the housing crisis... yes, I know the banks were wrong to encourage people into "bad" loans but wouldn't a person think, I make $2,000.00 a month and my house payment is $1,800.00 a month does not leave me with much for everything else!

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  10. Boy -wish you could come here and talk to granddaughter, Miss Maya, about the lying! She's really getting way out of line with it and everything that happens, even when you have seen her with your own eyes and confront her, the excuse is either "I didn't do anything wrong" or "Kurtis did it!" For myself, I had no one else to blame for things I did as a kid that were wrong, bad choices, etc. But things I was shown or asked to do, no matter if I put forth every ounce of knowledge or effort I possessed to do things, nothing was ever done right or good enough to please my Mom. As a result, I stopped doing various things and as an adult, having to pickup and return to doing those things was a difficult bridge to recross at times. I still find myself very, very unsure of my abilities even today where crafts and sewing, things like that are concerned as I can still hear/see my Mom verbally ripping things I did apart. As to lying, I only had minor bouts with that -little white lies but nothing major. Always had such a big mouth that everything that happened generally came out -good, bad or indifferent!

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  11. As someone with a problem with telling the truth AND perfectionist tendencies, this was enlightening ... I never thought about WHY. I'm learning that nothing is as freeing as telling the truth ... and perhaps knowing why lies were always my first option will help me totally break free.

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  12. Funny, I just posted about a different form of lying - telling people what they want to hear. I'm sure the offender would be surprised, even downright shocked, to hear that I feel I was lied to. She spends so much time trying to make everyone else happy that she winds up lying and in the end isn't true to herself. She's spinning her wheels, wearing herself down, and ultimately no one is happy. The truth will set you free.

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