Dear Adult Male Seatmate on the Red-eye Flight from Las Vegas to Milwaukee,
You warned me about the snoring, but I wasn't prepared to wake up with your hand on my bare thigh (over and over again). Now, the mohawk and the soul patch didn't spook me, but the thigh thing? That was beyond my comfort zone. I know you were actually sleeping; I saw the gaping mouth, heard the snoring, and saw the goofy gestures you were making with your other hand, but I'd like to suggest that in the future, you bring a bungee cord to strap your arm to the correct side of the armrest. That way, I too can sleep, without waking up with you gently, lightly, but offensively rubbing my leg.
Dear Loud Cellphone Talker in the Airport at 7am,
Okay, maybe you missed the part where the rest of us came off a plane with RED EYES, but those of us on the overnight flight, near comatose (and waiting to get back on the plane for the rest of the route) did not need to hear all about your plans for your vacation, who was picking you up, and what you did last night at work. The silence around you (as well as the dagger-eyes) should have been a signal to you; go talk down the hallway if you are Mr. Morning Sunshine or need a stage on which to talk. Or better yet, SHUT UP!
Dear Iced Latte I Bought at the Venetian, a Few Hours Before my Flight,
You were delicious! Just the thing to drown out the taste of that lame pretzel (which Kendall didn't like either). You were like a breath of fresh air, and you really hit the spot. Thanks.
Where were you last night when I needed you? I'm guessing that you, like me, figured, oh well; she can handle it. It's only 16 ounces of dairy, right? Thanks for nothing!
Dear Stomach Cramps, Bloating, and Gas on the Plane,
I want to thank you for making an appearance only after all of the lights went out and my seatmates had gone to sleep, but did you really have to stick around as I, too, tried to go to sleep? Of all nights to show up! In the future, I'd appreciate it if you only arrived about 10 minutes before we have to leave for a baby shower, early mass, or a root canal.
Dear Crying Baby in the Airport,
Thank you for falling apart at the gate, at 12:30am, and bawling yourself to sleep before getting on the plane. I never even knew you were there, Sweet Thing. I love you. (I hope you let your poor parents sleep in this morning.)
I know you think you know everything, and I did actually make it home without getting lost again (the car rental return and the long term parking lot do not count, because even you didn't know where those were!), but I am going to be happy to turn you back over to Mr.4444. I think if I hear "Recalculating" one more time, I might drive off the road.
It's great to see you again! Even though I loved California and Las Vegas, I treasure your rich, green pastures and forests, your dairy cows, and tame highway driving. Thanks for the great welcome. It's good to be home.