Some days, she wants to die.
After four months of the heart-breaking, soul shaking grief that comes to a mother who has lost her teenage son, my dear friend Molly has been doing her best to move forward but finding every day an incredible struggle. She never knew a human being could experience such pain. She often speaks of feeling like she has a gaping hole in her chest, exposed to everyone, vulnerable.
Recently, Molly had started feeling unwell physically, too. She was easily winded and had developed a cough. It did not go away over time, and, in fact, got worse. She could breathe in okay but had difficulty exhaling. Once an avid exerciser, she had recently returned to the gym but could not even take five minutes of exertion before having to quit. It was as though there was a mass in her lung, blocking the escape route for her breath. She knew something was wrong.
And secretly, on some level, she was glad. A part of her hoped it was cancer; the inoperable kind that would take her life, end her suffering here on earth...and bring her to see Ryan again.
On Thursday, Molly went to the doctor, who told her that it was probably asthma. They scheduled an appointment for asthma testing. Molly knew better; she insisted on a chest x-ray. They went along with it and sent her home to await the results.
Before she had even turned onto her street, Molly got a call from the doctor's office. They told her to turn her car around and head for an emergency room; she had a collapsed lung and would need surgery. Seriously? Seriously.
It was in those moments, on her way to the E.R., fearing the worst; believing that she could die and knowing who/what she would leave behind, that Molly had an epiphany.....
She did not want to die.
At the hospital, they put a chest tube in her lung and took an MRI to look for a mass or some other obvious cause, but they did not find one. After further consultation with Molly, the specialist concluded that the problem was most likely caused by the prolonged crying that she has been doing all these months; the kind of regular, soul-tearing, choking, gasping, heart-breaking sobs that come to a mother grieving her son's passing. Who knew that a person could cry hard enough to damage a lung?
My Molly is a fighter; she is doing much better now. Her lung has reflated itself, and the tube has been removed. She is already back to her normal schedule and is putting one foot in front of the other. She knows she's going to make it through this. She knows she has a life ahead of her. It's just going to be a very long, hard fight, as anyone would expect, but she's going to keep fighting.
If you are the praying kind, please keep the prayers coming...for the continued healing of Molly's lung.....as well as her broken heart.
[For more of Molly's journey, click on my Archives by Topic button in my sidebar]