Saturday, April 3, 2010

Make a Difference: Reach Out

I know I said I wasn't going to post on Saturday, but today is Friday, and tonight, I am moved to post, so post I shall.

I caught up with my friend Molly today. As many of you know, Molly lost her 17-year-old son a year and a half ago, and her suffering has been great. Today, I asked her how she is doing, and I didn't need to elaborate; she knows that I'm comfortable talking about Ryan and how her grief is going. She knows that when I ask, "How are you doing?" it means, "Dear friend, my heart breaks for you. How is your grief going today?"

Molly told me that her struggle continues, of course, and that it's rough. She said that she thinks that the second year is worse than the first, which choked me up a little to hear; last year, I witnessed the depths of grief in Molly that I hope to never see again, and to know that she is still hurting so much makes me feel helpless.

"No one ever talks about him anymore," Molly told me. She believes that everyone's thinking about it (how she's doing) but they don't always ask, maybe out of awkwardness or fear of upsetting her, but what people don't realize is that by not mentioning Ryan anymore, it makes her feel alone in her grief. Molly understands the reluctance to bring up a sad subject, but knowing that doesn't help. Yes, it's been a year and a half, but the wound is still very fresh.

It's awkward, yes. What do you say? What if the grieving person starts crying because of something you say? What if you make it worse? You just don't know how the person's going to react, but you don't have to say a lot, and you could just write a note if you feel more comfortable. *Here are some ideas for what to say or write:

"How are you doing? I've been keeping you in my prayers."

“I know that you miss (name of deceased) terribly; I hope you are having some good moments in your days."

"I was thinking about (name of deceased) today, and it made me wonder how you're doing. I want you to know that I'm here if you ever need a friend."

"Holidays can be tough when you've lost someone you love. I hope you know that we're thinking of you and keeping you in our prayers."

Of course, you may have memories of the deceased person, too. If you happen to remember a funny one, don't be afraid to call your friend (again, or write a note) and share it. It might be the brightest spot in that person's day.


Today, as we approach holidays, please think of someone who is missing a loved one and make some kind of gesture. You'll help to put a dent in their grief. At the very least, if you're the praying kind, please offer up a prayer for Molly and others in her unfortunate situation. And if you are suffering a loss this year and would like to make note of it, leave a comment (or send me an email). I truly want to know.

Here's hoping that today is a good one :)


*P.S. Weaselmomma once wrote an excellent post that relates to this topic. Hers is about what NOT to say to parents grieving the loss of an infant. Click here to find it.

28 comments:

  1. it is very hard to lose someone so young ...I can't imagine the pain of losing a child...I have friends who have and I just let them cry on my shoulder as no words I speak will give them peace...I just pray for God to do that

    ReplyDelete
  2. Those are great suggestions for things to say. I know I'm always at a loss for words when trying to comfort someone in a loss. I usually just end up staring stupidly.

    So sorry for your friend Molly.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My cousin died twenty years ago (she was 16) and I know that it is something my aunt and uncle have never fully healed from. Whenever one of Debbie's friends takes the time to get in touch with them it really means a lot, or when someone calls them on her birthday to let them know they are thinking about her and them and ask them how they are. It is important to them to know that people still remember Debbie and that she is still loved even though she isn't here with us any more.

    Your suggestions of what to say are great! I'll be praying for your friend Molly!

    ReplyDelete
  4. My gf lost both her parents around Easter and, although it's been years, I still drop her a note telling her I've been thinking of her during this time of year.

    It does make a difference.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Good thoughts. I'll say a prayer for Molly today.

    ReplyDelete
  6. That is just the unimaginable. Isn't it something that we, as parents, all fear? And, on top of losing a child, feeling all alone in your grief. It's great that she has friends such as yourself who will let her know that she's not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Great suggestions.
    And that post by Weaselmomma is one of her most memorable for me, too.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you. And thank you for the link to WeaselMomma's post.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Brutal stuff...

    My heart goes out to your friend Molly.

    ReplyDelete
  10. In all the fun of Easter, this is a good reminder that there are those who have suffered a loss. God bless you for you heart, my friend. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank you for offering those suggestions on what to say. It is the loss of any loved one, no matter the age, even parents. We all want to know they are remembered and were loved.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My daughter lost her husband to cancer three months after their son was born. I watched her grief and it was one of the saddest times in my life. You are right to mention that after the first response people stay away or don't mention the person's name who has died. Not mentioning the name does not aid in the grief process. I think this is a very warm and kind post.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thinking about Molly and wishing her strength.

    You are a wonderful friend...

    May you both continue to support each other so that you find yourselves always in good company.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you for a very important post. I just ache for your friend, I can't even imagine.

    ReplyDelete
  15. It pains my heart to think of Molly still suffering so much grief. The holidays, birthdays etc. seem to stir thing up again. I have found that many people who are grieving say that it bothers them that people avoid talking about their loved one. My heart and prayers are with Molly this weekend.

    God bless you...you are a good friend indeed! :o)

    ReplyDelete
  16. I love your post. I was glad we could get together this week and talk about our lost loved ones, some very funny memories and some sad ones but I think it does help to talk.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thankyou for your suggestions. I am one of the people who find themself at a loss for words. I usually resort to hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  18. What a helpful post. I have friends, maybe acquaintances, who lost their four year old in January and I often ask how they are doing (when I see them) and have wanted to mention their daughter but wasn't sure how. So thank you (probably from them too)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Your friend makes me feel NORMAL! I lost my Mom a little over a year ago. The first year was rough, but there was so much to have to do that somehow the grief gets masked... I don't know maybe I couldn't grieve because my husband deployed right after she passed. But Molly is right... No one asks about the deceased or how you are handling it... My Mom was the only immediate family I had left and my VERY BEST friend, and it is lonely when I wanted to share something with her that only the two of us would understand. Holidays are the worse... This is when a memory triggers a smile which turns on the "I miss you" sadness. And sometimes being told she IS with me isn't comforting enough. A year later I still have her purse packed the eay she always kept it in my closet. I also have her voice messages on the answering machine. I'm sending prayers up for your friend because I can relate. And sometimes pain shouldn't be this great!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thanks for your insight. I lost my stepdad a little over a year ago and its still hard to talk with my about it..is it ok to mention him or what. I will definately take your comments to heart!

    ReplyDelete
  21. My friend's husband took his own life a year ago this summer. This is a wonderful reminder for us that don't see the grief like we did at first. Thank you. I hope Molly has a lot of good friends like you.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I lost my brother to murder 11 years ago this month..and my husband lost his 17 year old son 13 years ago this month..we both really appreciate the calls and cards we receive on their birthdays and of course this time of year..It really hurts us when we think everyone has forgotten..great suggestions and we will add Molly to our prayer list..she has a long journey ahead of her..the second year is very tough..but every year around the anniversary of the loss is tough..

    ReplyDelete
  23. Thanks so much for posting this. I need to do better about talking to others about their loss.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I can't even imagine that kind of pain.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thank you for this post.I sit here with tears just wanting to come out and that hard thing in my throat.

    It hits me way too close to home. I don't want to say it on your comments, so I will send you an e-mail, hope that is ok.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I remember when you wrote about Molly and her family when her son died. I'm so sorry to hear that she is still having such a rough time. My heart breaks for her -- I can't imagine what it was like to lose a child.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I sent you a long e-mail regarding this post..did you get it or did I send it to the wrong address?? You have one in your profile and then when we have e-mailed eachother, that one is different, so I don't know if you got it or not...thanks!

    ReplyDelete

Your 2 cents...